She would of been 17 yesterday. 17! Am I really old enough to have a seventeen year old?? I guess. Let’s just pretend that I’m not.

I think of seventeen years gone. No memories to ponder over a cup of coffee. The most I can remember is that she liked Pepsi, and Garth Brooks, because when I drank Pepsi or listened to Garth, she kicked like a maniac!

My life was so different then. I was a scared, teenage girl. Rushing into marriage because I didn’t want to let my family down. Even tho they supported me whether I married or not, I wanted to ‘fix’ this situation, and marriage seemed the answer.

If I could sit down with Alexandra today, I know we’d laugh over crazy memories. Times when God saw us through. Baby memories, high school memories, and talking about future endeavors like colleges, roommates, boyfriends, and jobs. (In this dream, I like to think that we never experienced the rebellious teenage years!!)

If I could sit down with Maria seventeen years ago, I’d say a few things also. I’d remind her that this pregnancy is not a surprise to God. I’d tell her that even tho it all seems scary and unsure now, that God has her path all under control. That I didn’t have to ‘fix’ anything, that I just need to repent and give my heart over to God for healing. That God still loved me, even tho I messed up that big.

Finding out I was pregnant changed my course of life. I dropped out of college, and became a wife. I moved across the state, then eventually in a different state from my family. I felt very alone. Yet in that aloneness, I found that Jesus was there the entire time. And He gave me the strength to endure.


One thought on “Alexandra

  1. Do Not Disturb January 18, 2015 / 3:03 pm

    I am so sorry for your pain but it is beautiful that your have found healing in the hands of the One for Who none of this was a surprise. As you grieve this and many other losses in your life I pray that you continue to turn it over to Him.



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